You've Got Mail! You've Got Mail! Big F'n deal, says I! Okay, spam has ruined what was once a good thing, but I guess there are ways to deal with it. I like this one: http://www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijk.com/. Yep, get yourself a free account there. Most forms you fill out will think it's fake. Just try fitting it on a business card. Speaking of free accounts, I've got some Gmail invites I'll give out if you want one (6 as of this posting). Gmail will soon be adding atom feeds, which my account doesn't have yet, but it looks neat for a web-based email application. Stick it in your feed reader and know you've got spam before you really care to know. Anyway, if you want a Gmail account, send an email to monkeyinabox [at] gmail [dot] com. Now for some fun stuff. If you've got a small digital camera that fits in your pocket, you know how useful it can be. Now, there's the pocket shotgun, good for, oh I don't know, those bank robbery sort of things. Boy if you have one of those and digital camera, I hope you don't mix the two up. That would be the real meaning of point, shoot kiss it goodbye. If you're into carnage, but the pocket shotgun is out of your budget, then time to make The Erradicator. There's good old clean fun. So, are you still watching Ken Jennings kick ass on Jeopardy? Well, I don't know if this is legit, but I found a good tip on what happens:
SEPTEMBER. Ken begins season as reigning champ; ratings are impressive. Passes $2 million mark after three weeks. Dazzles viewers by running the column in categories as varied as Pi High and Get a Life. Appears on the covers of TIME, PEOPLE, FORTUNE, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY and SPORTS ILLUSTRATED in same week. Ratings climb.
OCTOBER. Ken passes $3 million. Wins largest Daily Double bet in history ($44,000) by identifying Paul as the cute Beatle. Is invited to toss out the first ball of the World Series. Mattel launches a Smart Talking Ken doll that knows the answer to more than 1,500 questions. Ratings soar.
NOVEMBER. Ken's take exceeds $4 million. He gets enough write-in votes in Florida to throw the presidential election into the House of Representatives. Ken declines bipartisan appeal to serve, arguing he has no authority, citing Esoteric Constitutional Provisions for $1,600. Ratings continue to climb.
DECEMBER. Ken earns his fifth million. A rival brings War and Peace and reads during show, saying he's tired of wasting time. Millions throughout the world ring in 2005 watching Ken's face, which has replaced the ball that drops from the top of the tower of 1 Times Square. Ratings rise.
JANUARY. Ken wins sixth million. Begins to show signs of boredom. Plays a game standing on his head; another blindfolded; another in which he phrases his responses in iambic pentameter; another in which he refuses to give any answers that contain the letter e. Loses $16,000 when Final Jeopardy! answer (in the category Long Words Having to Do with Money) turns out to be eleemosynary; still wins. Ratings increase.
FEBRUARY. Ken earns seventh million. Wins game during which he manipulates the buzzer only with his toes. ("That was hard," he allows.) Hallmark scores a major success with its line of Be My ValKentine cards. The New York Post reports that Ken has begun seeing Paris Hilton. Ratings continue to climb.
MARCH. Ken wins eighth million. Production on The Simple Life 3 abruptly canceled when Paris Hilton storms off the set, saying, "My boyfriend says this is stupid and we look stupid and the network wants us to look stupid and everyone who watches us is stupid." Headlines in the National Enquirer report that Ken and his posse were asked to leave the UCLA library after refusing to shush. Becomes butt of criticism when he starts trash talking rivals. "Who cares?," Ken comments. "Right now I'm bigger than Alex." Ratings plateau.
APRIL. "I don't mind," Alex Trebek tells E! "Ken and I are good friends." Ken's margins of victory narrow. Barely holds his own against two Caltech mathematicians, but his elegant proof of Von Stumpfnagel's theorem gives him a thrilling come-from-behind victory when both profs neglect to carry the 2. Page Six reports that Nicole Richie agreed to a quickie marriage with Charlie Rose in an effort to get Paris to come back to the show. Ratings ebb.
MAY. Ken continues to win but is forced to work at it. Longtime Jeopardy! watchers suspect that Ken's challengers are not so randomly chosen anymore. In the closest game in Ken's run, Ken barely edges Bob and Judy, a middle-aged couple from Milwaukee, Wis., who perform strongly in such categories as Bob and Judy's Children, Bob and Judy's Finances, The Little Things Bob and/or Judy Do That Really Annoy Bob and/or Judy, and Who Are These People in the Pictures in Bob and Judy's Photo Albums? Ken still wins. Ratings slide.
JUNE. After a week of special Jeopardy! challenge programs in which Ken on successive days defeats the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the European Parliament, the faculty of Beijing University (the first Jeopardy! game played entirely in Chinese) and the Council on Foreign Relations, Ken's amazing run comes to a close as security agents from Microsoft apprehend Ken in a parking lot and whisk him back to company headquarters in Redmond, Wash. "He was something a couple of the guys were messing around with and kind of forgot about," a company spokesman said. "He wasn't supposed to be out yet."The schedule is a little off, but I think this is it!