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It's A Mystery: Cheesy Crimes Or Cheesy Criminals?

01.17.2006

cheesy crimes? or cheesy criminals?

Everyone loves a good mystery, except maybe when they involve you. Rather than try and solve some mysteries that are a little more relevant to myself, such as who's been chewing my pens or who took the stapler of my desk. Perhaps I wanted to look at something a little grander, or maybe my inner monkey wanted me to do a good deed this day. Whatever the reason, there's a mystery to solve and now is the time:

A ski mask-wearing robber held up two Bend businesses in less than three hours’ time Monday night and eluded pursuing police and tracking dogs, the busiest night yet for a man who may be tied to as many as five such crimes around town in recent weeks.

This is where my inner monkey said, "do something!" Perhaps it wasn't my inner monkey though, maybe it was my inner Monk, my inner Colombo, inner Perry Mason. Or Maybe it was inner Jessica Fletcher, but whatever it was, there is a mystery to solve and time's a wasting.

First, let's look at the places hit:

Around 7:10 p.m., police responded to the report of an armed robbery at the 7-Eleven store at 1008 NW Galveston Ave.

7-Eleven, check.

Then, at 9:42 p.m., police got the second armed robbery report of the night, this one at the Super 8 Motel at 1275 SE Third St.

Super 8 Motel, check.

On the night of Jan. 10, a masked man held up the north Bend McDonald’s. The confronted employee opened the cash drawer and let the man take the undisclosed amount of cash, before he ran.

McDonald's, check.

On the night of Jan. 4, a man wearing a ski mask walked into the Best Western Inn & Suites on Third Street, pulled a gun and demanded cash from the register, taking an undisclosed amount before he ran.

Another motel, check.

On the evening of Dec. 22, a man wearing a ski mask walked into Longboard Louie’s, a popular west Bend restaurant on Galveston Avenue, and demanded money.

And finally Louie's. Okay, actually the order was: Longboard Louie's, Best Western Inn & Suites, McDonald’s, 7-Eleven, and finally the Super 8 Motel.

What can we surmise from this? It's probably not Paris Hilton, but we already knew that:

The suspect was described as a white male, 5-foot-4 to 5-foot-6, with a slender build, wearing a blue sweatshirt, blue jeans and the black ski mask.

Or course there's also this fact:

Police aren't sure all the robberies are connected - the Longboard Louie's robber, for example, was described as being a bit taller, 5-6 to 5-8 - but it's become more clear that at least some are the same suspect, from the similar times of day, locations and behavior.

I have to admit I was stumped until I read this comment. The Longboard Louie's just didn't make sense into my theory and I'll tell you why: it's all about fake cheese.

Fake cheese, yep, you know the stuff. It's the stuff they put on McDonald's hamburgers, the stuff you pump onto your 7-Eleven nachos and, I'm taking an educated-guess here, is the stuff these motels use on their room service items, or if they don't offer room service, it's what's found in the lunch bags of the employees, or possibly under the bed.

Louie's didn't fit this theory because, simply, they use REAL CHEESE. I'm guess the LL Incident (as it will now be called) was just a one-time thing, possibly by someone who was miffed by there not being enough ice in the salsa buckets on the table, or maybe they wanted to buy a few beers for the road. Whatever, it might have been, the LL Incident was purely an isolated incident.

Back to the cheese theory, well, I thought I had it nailed. It was Wallace. You know from Wallace_and_Gromit:

Gromit, that's it! Cheese! We'll go somewhere where there's cheese!

Could it be any clearer, but could it also be any farther from the answer? With a quick glance it might appear that a proclaimed cheese-lover would go for any cheese, but that's not the truth. Cheese-lovers enjoy the good stuff; you know, Pont L'Eveque, Taleggio, or Asiago d'Allevo, all common to real cheese-lovers. Let me assure you that 7-Eleven's nacho cheese, as tasty as it may be, will not show up on your doorstep when you join The Cheese Of The Month Club.

So, The Cheesy-Cheese Loving Bandit, or CCLB (as he will now be called), is still on the loose. When will he strike next? Where will he strike next? A few years ago when Burger King offered up tacos, I would have put them on the list, but thinking along the same line of thought, Taco Bell looks to be another target. Is that a sure bet? Who knows, but one thing is for sure, you'll have to tune in tomorrow, for part two: The Cheesy-Cheese Loving Bandit: From Cheesenips to Velveeta In A Jar.


Posted by monkeyinabox ::: |

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