Kristi Miller Kicks Ass, Literally

Voted by The Source Weekly for who knows how many times, Kristi Miller has been voted Central Oregon's Best Television Personality. Sure her show, Good Morning Central Oregon (despite the spooky decapitated head of Kristi on the website) is charming and insightful, and that's all good and nice. Yes, good and nice. But sometimes good and nice is just the candy-coating on the surface of soemthing not so good and nice.

Yes, 25 years ago the black days of Kristi Mauler Miller took place. Sure, she might have looked the part of the nice little school girl, but remember what I wrote about the candy coating on the surface? Beneath the surface of the candy-coating of Tiddly Winks and four square, there was the darker side of Ms. Miller.

September: Prior to the pummeling, before the bloody lips, Kristi was a good girl. She studied her spelling words and read her books to earn special treats. Of course it was one day at recess where it all began. Mrs. Blacks class dived into their snacks they had brought from home. For some reason that day, Kristi had forgotten her snack at home. Luckily, Courtney and Wendy were willing to share and so they gave Kristi one of their Cheese 'N Crackers. You know the small plastic tray of crackers, with the red spreading stick and the smooth spreadable cheese. Kristi, liked it, in fact, just a little too much.

October: Kraft Cheese N' Crackers. Can't have crack without a cracker and just as the common street drug hooked many, Kristi was soon a Cheese N' Crackers junkie. The bottom of her backpack was littered with red spreading sticks. Her desk was loaded with cracker crumbs. All was good, all was fine.

December: Maybe it was too much cheese, or maybe it was too many crackers, but Kristi was a junkie beyond all junkies. Perhaps the red spreading sticks reminded her of blood. Yes, violence and bloody noses. Maybe the slightly snowy day on the playground irritated Kristi with the lack of foursquare games. Maybe she was hit with an accidental snowball, but whatever it was, it was Tuesday (known forever as Terror Tuesday in my books) of the second week of the month. Maybe it was the fact that Kristi was without her beloved Cheese 'N Crackers that day. Ritchie never saw the fist of fury flying, but he sure felt it. Down to the ground he fell. His pockets were searched and Kristi had her beloved Cheese 'N Crackers.

January: Kristi was not shy about her bullying tactics. "Give me your cheese, or feel my fury!," was the only warning that was ever issued. Numerous poundings and stompings were issued to the students of Juniper Elementary. Kristi was issued a large berth when she walked from the different buildings at the school. If you walked a little too close you risked getting thrown to the ground with a red-eyed Miller staring you down screaming in tongues "cheese, waa waa, djibouti, NOW!". It was truly a scary time.

February: Yes, the month of love, and Kristi was full of it for her cheese snacks. She gave out Valentines to everyone in the entire school. Yes, everyone:

March: For some he term March Madness meant College Basketball or Spring Break trips to Cancun. For the students of Juniper, it meant Miller's Madness. By this point in the school year her eyes had turned completely red. I'm not talking about red-eye from photos, but something similar. Kristi's eyes had the look of red-eye all the time. Eyes as red as the cheese spreading sticks with a red-hot temper to match. Miller's Madness meant you gave up your cheese snack or got bitch-slapped. Yes, it was truly nasty.

April: At this point in the school year Kristi's rampage was simply out of control. Students were staying at home cough, cough sick, or skipping classes, or staying inside at recess to read in the library. Teachers were starting to notice (finally) and Miller was wondering why she no longer had a full backpack of Cheese N' Crackers from her day's bounty. The crossroads had finally been reached.

May: HA! We were all fooled. Things went south again and the terror continued. Kids were falling left and right as Miller's Malice was in full force. Her tongue had turned fully orange from the amount of cheese she was consuming. The only hope that cause any students to smile these days was that the end of the school year was approaching.

June: There was a real reason to celebrate the end of the school year in 1983 and it just wasn't getting away from the spelling tests and such, Kristi Miller had at one point in the school year touched everyone (me included). Not touched with her smirky smile, but more by her iron fist of cheesy fury. June 10th, free at last, free at last.

Aftermath: Truly, Miller's Madness affected all of the students at Juniper Elementary, but for myself I found myself unable to forgive and forget. Year after year as she was praised in The Source Weekly, I found myself deep in therapy trying to move on. This year marked the 25th anniversary and it was simply too long to let this memory torment me.

My therapist suggested that I write about the pain and suffering. Being a year under Kristi, I was lucky not to see her directly in classes, but nevertheless I was affected. After having reoccurring nightmares and flashes from the past (no I don't enjoy VH1's I Love 1982-1993).

So, on this day, I've decided to tell the real history of Kristi Miller. So maybe when you watch Good Morning Central Oregon next you will know the truth of the host. And on this day, April 1st 2007, I will no longer be tormented in this memory. Goodbye Kristi Miller.

On a non-related note, next year on this date, I'll reveal the truth behind all of the Britney's at KTVZ Newschannel 21, including Barney Britney Lerten. That will be a doozy.

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